Chemo #5 - Owning Anxiety

Hello my friends! Here I am posting about chemo #5 an entire week later, when usually I post about my chemo on the day of.

It's been a rough week.  It was a rough chemo.

The roughest since that first one.  My mom and I think it may be because I didn't hydrate as much as I normally do with my usual broth.  My oncologist thinks it's related to the anxiety I've been feeling about my upcoming surgery.  It's likely a combination of the two, plus a bunch of other factors I have no clue about. Either way, the broth and the anxiety are two things I'm taking on between now and my next (and last!) chemo.  The broth is easy - it's super easy to make and will take all of 10 minutes of active prep-time.  The anxiety, however...

I've never had to deal with anxiety.  Don't get me wrong - I've been anxious!  Going back to work when my son was seven weeks old, starting a job at a new school, dealing with money and legal issues, when my dad died... I know what it means to feel anxious, even a bit depressed.  No claim of a perfect life over here!  I've just never been in a situation where,  for a prolonged length of time, I'm living in circumstances that are not of my choosing and from which I cannot walk away, and the journey forward is one that's got some monumental changes coming, also that are not of my choosing.  And then there's the added mental confusion of the fact that I *am* choosing my course of action - I have the right and power to refuse chemo and the surgeries and radiation.  I just like the alternative (painful death from cancer) a lot less.  So.... add those two together and you've got where I am right now.  This is no "chocolate/vanilla" choice. This is the distinction of choosing, the learning to dance in the rain rather than waiting for the storm to pass - in full living color. And it's uncomfortable. And that was my understatement of the century.

When I'm uncomfortable (not physically, rather in terms of my mental/emotional state), I know that it's me growing. I've learned that when I'm uncomfortable I can either hibernate and stay stagnant and uncomfortable, or I can take a few leaps that are even more uncomfortable to grow a little more, kind of like ripping off a bandaid.  So that's what I've begun to do. I took some actions that are aligned with my decreasing my anxiety, and so far they seem to be working.

The first thing I did was reach out to women who have been in my position before. Yeah, about time, right? I was afraid of hearing horror stories and set backs and recurrences of cancer and about people who died... I didn't want to hear about anything that could influence my having a positive outlook and make me more scared than I already was. I bit that bullet, and got into action. I had spoken with a few women previously, but no one who had been in my circumstances. The group Sharsharet, a breast cancer support service group that is predominantly Jewish women (although they work with everyone!), hooked me up with a link - a woman who was in the same circumstances as me but several years out and cancer free. And it was crazy - this woman had the same form of cancer (HER2+), same stage (3), same treatments for the same amount of time, had the same surgeries that I'm getting, and when she was diagnosed her two kids were the same ages as mine are! When we spoke, we realized how much more we have in common - even pre-surgery bra size and body image. Speaking with her was empowering. I'm glad I made that call.

I also went into Victoria's Secret and checked out bras in what will be my new size.  That may sound silly, but having lived my life as a D, the prospect of being a B (which is what I will have to be because they are using the fat from my stomach to create the new breasts and that's about how much fat I have, even if I gain weight.) is something new for me. I realized I don't even know what a B looks like. I spoke with the clerk and explained the situation, and she was great. She showed me the mannequin, and told me that was a B. So I have a good idea of what I will look like, at least in clothes. And it ain't so bad. It seems clothing will fit me better, as clothing is designed for women with a B chest. Who knew?  Anxiety about how I will look is a bit decreased, although I have to admit I'm still petrified of scarring.  And that's normal, it seems. Of course it is.  If it was anyone else it would be completely normal - but since it's me... well, I just have to be perfect now don't I? No anxiety allowed for me!

Which of course is ridiculous. Which is why I really really really bit the bullet and called my oncologist and asked for medication for the anxiety.

Do you hear that?

That's the shocked, judgmental, "you are a failure and I don't even have words for you" silence that I'm projecting you are giving me because it's a bit of how I feel about it for myself.  And I know it's ridiculous. And my brain is making that up anyway. That's more of that uncomfortable stuff I was talking about above - to move through it and have some uncomfortable growing pains and be strong and empowered when it's over.

So that's what's been going on for me over the last week or so. I'm getting closer - only one chemo left, and less than a month until my bilateral mastectomy. And I want it to come fast and get it over with, and I want to slow time down and have it never come,  and either way, it's going to come and go, and in the end it's empty and meaningless and it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless. Going to take today and take my meds and love my husband and my kids and my mom and my sister and praise God for all that I have.

Thanks for reading,
XOXO

Owning dirt! : Making a compost bin

Who wants to make some dirt??  Make dirt?  That's insane.  From food scraps?  Won't it rot and smell?Well, maybe.  I don't know yet.  I did see some bugs and stuff the last time I threw stuff into my compost bin and seriously thought about calling this whole little project off, but I thought better of it.  Because I want to make some dirt!!

When we decided to build a raised vegetable bed, the idea of composting was a natural offshoot for me. After all, what better way to create healthy plants than with compost?  And why buy it from the store when I can make my own, for free, from the scraps that fill up our garbage every night anyway?  Mmmmmmm, yummy.

The hubs and I did our research on the web, and we decided to go with small, simple and cheap to start off. We bought a large garbage can with a locking lid (it cost us about $14).  Then Jason drilled holes all over it, a few inches apart.  All over.  Top, bottom, sides.  If you look carefully, you can see all the little holes. This allows air flow to occur all over, oxidizing and breaking down the leaves and food stuff into what will become compost.  We normally have it raised on bricks, but I took this picture as I was getting ready to roll it.

Then, we used leaves that had fallen in the yard (less raking and throwing out leaves in the trash as well!) to create a ratio of 4:1.  Four parts "brown" (leaves, newspaper, etc)

to one part "green," For the green, we noobies to composting, in a small, highly regulated city, chose to use only raw fruits and veggies, coffee grinds, tea and egg shells.  They seemed the least risky in terms of safety, and smells, and possible neighbor complaints.  And even though our wildlife is somewhat scarce in NYC, we do have opossums and raccoons where I live, and ain't nobody got time for that. There are a lot of other options people choose; some use bones and meat and cooked food, and there's nothing wrong with that.  We just chose this method.

We keep the scraps in an air-tight locking container that some quick dry cement we had bought previously to patch a small area of our patio came in.  It stays on our counter, and locks tight enough to keep any smells or cats from getting out or in, respectively.  It's designed to keep wet cement from drying out, so clearly it's working. And it was free.  If this works out and I become a master composter, I'll buy a sexy stainless steel one.  For now, re- purposed garbage will do.

Every few days, we roll it around on the ground to get the gross stuff mixed.

We are also supposed to keep the mixture moist, although with all the rain we've been having, that hasn't been an issue.

I'll post an update in a few weeks to see whether it's worked or not!!

Thanks for reading and following!!

XOXO
Marissa

How I learned I had "The Cancuh" - Timeline of a Diagnosis (Part I)

I've gotten a lot of questions from a lot of people (and that I myself asked...) that went something along the lines of WTF? How do you have cancer? How did that happen?  You breast fed two kids, that's supposed to reduce the risk! You don't smoke and eat so healthy! You're so young! You're not even in a high risk group! (I'm not - I am the first person in my immediate and to a certain extent somewhat extended family to have breast cancer, even though there are some more distant relatives who were diagnosed.  In addition, as far as I know, I am the only person to have it pre-menopausal). Well, I'm still not sure of the HOW (although there are some theories, like living down the block from ground zero for a few weeks...), but here is the basic timeline of the WHAT (as in what happened):

Late July, 2013 - annual OBGYN check-up. All clear.

Early August, 2013 - my daughter Raina pushed on my breast as she was getting up, and it hurt.  I felt a lump.  I called my mom, freaking out.  I made an appointment with her breast surgeon (although she'd never had an issue, she's always had cystic breasts and thus had a surgeon).  Made an appointment for the next week.

Mid-August, 2013 - went to see breast surgeon.  He felt lump, said it did not concern him in that it had no 'markers' of cancer (it was even, circular, moved around, and it hurt, and cancer usually doesn't hurt). Still, he told me to get a mammogram, but said there was no rush. Within the next month would be fine.

August 2013 -January 2014 - it kept getting bigger. I kept putting off getting a mammogram. It hurt, and the last thing I wanted was to have it squished between two plates. And I was sure it was nothing. And hey, I'm a mom and I'm busy and I have a million other things to do.

Early January 2014 - go to OBGYN for completely unrelated issue. While I was there, I asked the doc to check it out. He repeated what the breast surgeon said - he wasn't too concerned, it didn't have those markers of cancer, but GO GET A MAMMOGRAM AND DON'T PUT IT OFF - he said he felt it was at least 4+ cm.

Mid January 2014 - made the mammogram appointment.

February 7, 2014:
7:45 am appt - went in for mammogram, and sonogram (both were scheduled simultaneously because of size of mass).  Confident as anything.  I was so sure it was nothing, I went by myself.

8:15 am - mammogram. The squishing hurt nowhere near what I thought it would. Not too bad.

9:00 am - sonogram. I flat out told the tech I was sure it wasn't anything. She wasn't so sure. She had to use two sonogram screens put together to get a picture of the entire mass.

9:30 am - The doctor came in (where I go, when there is a known irregularity they have the doctors read it right there) and said the mass was 7.6 cm (what I HEARD and LIVED WITH the next few days was that the mass was 17 cm!!!), and he wanted a biopsy. I asked him what he thought, in his opinion. He said he thought it was cancerous, and that because of the size of the mass, I would likely need a mastectomy. (Now, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a no-nonsense, don't BS me kind of woman. Always have been, and always will be. I don't know if this is the answer he would have given everyone, but it's the answer he gave me - I wasn't playing games). I asked him if this was going to kill me.  He said no.  I said "ok then, we can move on."

9:32 am - the floor drops from under my world

9:35 am - I got dressed and waited in the waiting room to make an appointment for the biopsy.  Texted my friend Roberta and dumped everything on her.  Everyone needs a friend like that, who you can just text-dump things on.

9:45 am - go in to make appointment.  There were two wonderful ladies there - Emily and Nancy.  It was a small room, and we all spoke a bit, looking for the first appointment available.  At one point I looked at them and said "I'm doing a really good job of holding it together over here, and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it..."  and then I burst into tears, sobbing for I don't know how long.  I think I just said over and over "I have two babies, one is five and one is two..."  These two women...  I can't even state how wonderful they were.  How important they were.  They sat there and comforted me for probably close to 45 minutes.  Emily hugged me and spoke with me.  Nancy told me stories about women with breast cancer who survived and lived happily ever after.  They did not let me leave that room until I was calm and ok. I made my appointment for 6 days later, February 12.

10:30 am - walk to car, call husband.  No answer.  Call my mom, speak with her.  Call my husband's job and have him paged.  Speak with him.  Texted sister to call me when she got out of work and could have a conversation.

11:00-2:20pm - go to work.  I know, sounds crazy, but I was alone and scared and had no clue of what to do, and I knew that going home to be by myself would be the worst thing to do.  And it was the best choice - I was surrounded by friends who were supportive and I was able to get right into my routine of teaching.

February 12, the day before my biopsy appointment - a snowstorm was on its way, scheduled to arrive that night, and I was nervous I wouldn't be able to get to my biopsy appointment.  On the advice of my colleagues (who actually came to the door of my classroom while I was teaching to tell me this! What love! :-), I went to the breast center after work to see if they could fit me in.  As soon as I got there I asked for Emily from the other day.  She, along with the doctors, found a way to fit me in.  They stayed late to make sure.  They biopsied two spots on the big lump on my breast, and an enlarged lymph node.  Amazing people, I tell you.  I also gave Emily my phone number.  She's been texting me and checking up with me ever since.  I love that woman!

February 14 - Valentine's Day - Got the results.  I went with my sister and husband while my mom watched the kids.  Clearly, the results were positive or this entry would not exist.  Interestingly, the results for the lump in my breast were something called DCIS, which is not actually cancer but pre-cancerous.  The results for my lymph node were positive for breast cancer.  I learned that what this means isn't that there wasn't any cancer, but rather the large mass wasn't 100% cancer all through, and the biopsy had not gotten the part with cancer.  However, I learned that there is no way there would be cancer in the lymph nodes if there is no cancer in the breast.  I also was quite clear that it was an aggressive, fast moving cancer that had already spread, and I knew I wouldn't know how far it had spread until I got a PET scan.  When we learned the news we were in a room with the doctor who had done the biopsy and a nurse.  My sister (who is getting her MS in Health Ed. and had been doing research after banning me from going on the internet) asked a whole bunch of questions, and my husband and I just sat there (I have no clue what he was thinking... maybe I should ask).  The nurse told me she would not be able to schedule me for anything with the surgeon until Tuesday because it was a 3-day weekend.  My mom told Jason and me to go out together for dinner, and we did.  Not quite the most romantic atmosphere ever for a Valentine's Day date, but we did enjoy some sushi and some time together. This was officially the beginning of the most trying and difficult week of my life.  Not because of anything that happened over the next week, but rather the not knowing - not knowing how far it had spread, not knowing if it would kill me, not knowing what this new journey I was on was going to look like.  I was walking around for the next week feeling like a ticking timb-bomb.

And that's it for Part I.

Part II will be meeting the doctors who would save my life, getting ready for and starting treatment, all the way up to now.  And I promise it will be more upbeat!!!

Thank for reading and following!
XOXO

Building Our Raised Vegetable Bed: Getting My "Little House on the Prairie" On

When we first bought our town house in the borough of Staten Island in the summer of 09, we knew that we needed to do a lot of work.  Almost all of the work was cosmetic, and we really felt that we would be able to handle it on our own (HA!!).  The house had incredible potential though – 3 floors, 3 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, a garage, a fireplace, a backyard, a balcony off the kitchen, an attic for storage, lots of closets, and a backyard that, while small, is big enough for the kids to play in and me to create some garden space.  For those of you who know anything about New York City real estate, this is an insane wishlist for anyone who’s not a trust-fund baby.  To give some perspective, the year before we bought the house, I sold my one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn for close to $300,000.  And this was BEFORE the ridiculous property value climb of Brooklyn real estate to astronomical, unaffordable prices (but before bubble burst in 08). 

We thought we’d be tackling most of our projects within the first year, but as anyone who’s ever owned a house could have probably told us… FAT CHANCE!  Here we are, four years later, with almost none of the cosmetic work done.  Instead of beginning the process of redoing bathrooms, the kitchen, adding crown molding and recessed lighting and redoing our backyard with stonework and an outdoor kitchen, most of our money has been spent on the non-cosmetic: new windows and sliding glass doors, fixed plumbing leaks, new appliances for the kitchen and a new washer/dryer (not to mention daycare, diapers, and other kid-related expenses!).  Now that I’m not working as I convalesce from cancer treatments and soon surgery, it goes without saying that aint nuttin getting done for the next few years!  But that’s ok – as we say every night when we say our prayers, `we are thankful for our warm, safe, comfy, cozy, house.’  And we are.

However, when all is said and done, I wanted to be able to sit in the backyard and relax while my kids are able to play safely, and I wanted to grow my own veggies, outside of the little containers I’ve been using for the past few years on our terrace.   Especially because I am somewhat housebound, and will continue to be through the summer.  So, we put our heads together with some friends, and we came up with an idea that would give us an affordable way to create the basics of what we need to be able to make our backyard usable.

The issues:

·         Backyard on a downgrade, with a difference of over 18” from front to back

·        A drain in the middle of the backyard that was recessed over a foot, creating a sink-hole effect that made it practically impossible for the kids to play without falling and rolling in.

·       Unworkable, rocky soil

The plan:

·        Build a raised vegetable garden

·        Raise drain to be level with rest of yard

·        Level the yard

And that’s what we did! Well, that’s what the men did.  My husband and our friend Dmitry busted their butts for several days building and moving soil. Dmitry’s wife Shannon, who has been doing urban farming for the last few years, brought over a whole bunch of `crops’ to plant (as an aside, Shannon and Dmitry are the couple who introduced my husband and me…).

What we planted: kale, collard greens, broccoli, radishes, and multiple varieties of lettuce (including romaine, red leaf, butter, and more!)

We used the instructions in a Martha Steward Living magazine to build the bed, and the article can be found here.  We did differ from her instructions in that (a) instead of using L-brackets we used small pieces of wood, and (b) we made ours 16’x2’ instead of 18’x4’, just because it worked better for our space. Unfortunately, this won’t be a tutorial on how to build the bed.  I don’t have too many pictures, as we did this the week BEFORE I decided to start a blog, but here you can see the skeleton of the vegetable bed:

And here you can see the bed and backyard with the top soil added to level it off (and the grass seeds my husband planted are starting to come up!):

And here is the bed with all the plants planted!  

 

I am SO EXCITED to channel my inner Laura Ingalls Wilder and harvest my own food!  This is the most I’ve ever tried to garden.  Other than some small container plants on my terrace with herbs, I’ve never really gardened before.  I certainly hope I followed the planting directions properly- I gave the kale and collards about a square foot apiece, and interspersed the lettuce in between.  So this could be an epic win, and it could be an epic fail.  I will keep you all updated as the growing progresses.  I’ll do another post once the colder weather crops are done and I plant the warmer weather crops (tomatoes and cukes and beans, Oh My!!!).  

The Cost: $290

·        Materials to build the box - $115

·        Top soil - $175

·       Seedlings - FREE!!

*****One huge thing that I learned is that when purchasing a large amount of soil, the cheapest and best route is to go to a masonry place and have them deliver top soil.  It cost us about $175 for three cubic feet of soil, delivered, as opposed to well over $400 had we purchased it in bags.****

Thanks for reading!  I would love for you to all comment with your responses, reactions, and advice if you have any for this novice gardener/blogger.

XOXOs

Marissa

Chemo #4 - picture and update

So here I am, at Chemo #4.  I look so happy and relaxed, you'd think I was at a spa!  Yeah, no.  Not so bad for a selfie with my iPad and hospital lighting and a bunch of IV tubes coming from the port in my chest! That's me in my t-shirt head wrap and a scarf to accessorize. So purrrrrrtty.  I tried wearing big earrings like a few people have suggested, but I end up looking like a pirate. So no.  Maybe one day I'll do a tutorial post on how to do the t-shirt head wrap.  It's a good look, even if you have hair.  And yes, I doll myself up for chemo.  

As usual, I was exhausted by the end of the day, and using the bathroom a lot (#1, people, #1 - this isn't a TMI post) because I learned the hard way to flush my system like a crazy woman while getting treatment to get all of those IV drugs out of my system.  I actually set a timer while I'm there and make sure that every half an hour I drink 8 oz of fluids.  It makes a world of difference.

Each chemo has different effects on my body, and this time around, for the past 5 days, nausea has been my big issue, as well as a bit of insomnia.  Thanks to all of the anti-nausea medications I have I haven't actually... you know... puked... but sitting around nauseous for days on end isn't exactly fun. Ahh well, better than the alternative.  You know, that whole death by cancer thing.  Speaking of which...

Doc checked the boobs, and it seems that the lumps and bumps are still gone.  Ladies and gentlemen, the cancer has left the building.  Now it's just about keeping it that way.

Stay tuned for my next post, which will have nothing to do with cancer.  It's going to be all about the raised vegetable garden my husband and our friends built in our backyard, along with planting the baby veggies that are going to nourish our bodies!  Fun fun fun!!!

Peace out, yo.

My first blog post - and I'm owning it!

My name is Marissa, and thank you for taking a ride on my first entry into the blogosphere.  This blog is about me taking ownership of every area of my life, with power and freedom and joy, and sharing it with you and hopefully making a difference for you in the process.

Right now, the predominant area of my life that I'm dealing with powerfully (most of the time...) is Stage 3 Breast Cancer and my journey to health (which, incidentally, I'm winning!).  However, this blog isn't called owning cancer, because there's so much more to me than that, and this is certainly not all I am owning (and pretty soon it will no longer be the controlling force in my day to day life).

I'm also owning being a mom and a wife, a homeowner, and the finances.  Because I'm not working right now due to my illness, I'm also owning creating debt and pretty soon I'll be working to get out of it.  I own being thrifty, crafting and DIY, organizing, and scheduling.  I'm also a NYC high school English teacher, and I own that.  I cook and garden and bake and organic, and I own that.  I'm a New Yorker born and bred, and I'm Jewish (married to a non-Jew), and I own that.  I think the title of my blog may be becoming clear...

I'm looking forward to this journey, and am hoping to get some posts up within the next week - I am super duper new to this, and I own that I have no clue what I am doing when it comes to what this blog is going to look like physically, although I do have a lot of ideas on the content.  Bear with me as I learn how this whole shebang works.

Thanks for reading!

Marissa