I've gotten a lot of questions from a lot of people (and that I myself asked...) that went something along the lines of WTF? How do you have cancer? How did that happen? You breast fed two kids, that's supposed to reduce the risk! You don't smoke and eat so healthy! You're so young! You're not even in a high risk group! (I'm not - I am the first person in my immediate and to a certain extent somewhat extended family to have breast cancer, even though there are some more distant relatives who were diagnosed. In addition, as far as I know, I am the only person to have it pre-menopausal). Well, I'm still not sure of the HOW (although there are some theories, like living down the block from ground zero for a few weeks...), but here is the basic timeline of the WHAT (as in what happened):
Late July, 2013 - annual OBGYN check-up. All clear.
Early August, 2013 - my daughter Raina pushed on my breast as she was getting up, and it hurt. I felt a lump. I called my mom, freaking out. I made an appointment with her breast surgeon (although she'd never had an issue, she's always had cystic breasts and thus had a surgeon). Made an appointment for the next week.
Mid-August, 2013 - went to see breast surgeon. He felt lump, said it did not concern him in that it had no 'markers' of cancer (it was even, circular, moved around, and it hurt, and cancer usually doesn't hurt). Still, he told me to get a mammogram, but said there was no rush. Within the next month would be fine.
August 2013 -January 2014 - it kept getting bigger. I kept putting off getting a mammogram. It hurt, and the last thing I wanted was to have it squished between two plates. And I was sure it was nothing. And hey, I'm a mom and I'm busy and I have a million other things to do.
Early January 2014 - go to OBGYN for completely unrelated issue. While I was there, I asked the doc to check it out. He repeated what the breast surgeon said - he wasn't too concerned, it didn't have those markers of cancer, but GO GET A MAMMOGRAM AND DON'T PUT IT OFF - he said he felt it was at least 4+ cm.
Mid January 2014 - made the mammogram appointment.
February 7, 2014:
7:45 am appt - went in for mammogram, and sonogram (both were scheduled simultaneously because of size of mass). Confident as anything. I was so sure it was nothing, I went by myself.
8:15 am - mammogram. The squishing hurt nowhere near what I thought it would. Not too bad.
9:00 am - sonogram. I flat out told the tech I was sure it wasn't anything. She wasn't so sure. She had to use two sonogram screens put together to get a picture of the entire mass.
9:30 am - The doctor came in (where I go, when there is a known irregularity they have the doctors read it right there) and said the mass was 7.6 cm (what I HEARD and LIVED WITH the next few days was that the mass was 17 cm!!!), and he wanted a biopsy. I asked him what he thought, in his opinion. He said he thought it was cancerous, and that because of the size of the mass, I would likely need a mastectomy. (Now, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a no-nonsense, don't BS me kind of woman. Always have been, and always will be. I don't know if this is the answer he would have given everyone, but it's the answer he gave me - I wasn't playing games). I asked him if this was going to kill me. He said no. I said "ok then, we can move on."
9:32 am - the floor drops from under my world
9:35 am - I got dressed and waited in the waiting room to make an appointment for the biopsy. Texted my friend Roberta and dumped everything on her. Everyone needs a friend like that, who you can just text-dump things on.
9:45 am - go in to make appointment. There were two wonderful ladies there - Emily and Nancy. It was a small room, and we all spoke a bit, looking for the first appointment available. At one point I looked at them and said "I'm doing a really good job of holding it together over here, and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it..." and then I burst into tears, sobbing for I don't know how long. I think I just said over and over "I have two babies, one is five and one is two..." These two women... I can't even state how wonderful they were. How important they were. They sat there and comforted me for probably close to 45 minutes. Emily hugged me and spoke with me. Nancy told me stories about women with breast cancer who survived and lived happily ever after. They did not let me leave that room until I was calm and ok. I made my appointment for 6 days later, February 12.
10:30 am - walk to car, call husband. No answer. Call my mom, speak with her. Call my husband's job and have him paged. Speak with him. Texted sister to call me when she got out of work and could have a conversation.
11:00-2:20pm - go to work. I know, sounds crazy, but I was alone and scared and had no clue of what to do, and I knew that going home to be by myself would be the worst thing to do. And it was the best choice - I was surrounded by friends who were supportive and I was able to get right into my routine of teaching.
February 12, the day before my biopsy appointment - a snowstorm was on its way, scheduled to arrive that night, and I was nervous I wouldn't be able to get to my biopsy appointment. On the advice of my colleagues (who actually came to the door of my classroom while I was teaching to tell me this! What love! :-), I went to the breast center after work to see if they could fit me in. As soon as I got there I asked for Emily from the other day. She, along with the doctors, found a way to fit me in. They stayed late to make sure. They biopsied two spots on the big lump on my breast, and an enlarged lymph node. Amazing people, I tell you. I also gave Emily my phone number. She's been texting me and checking up with me ever since. I love that woman!
February 14 - Valentine's Day - Got the results. I went with my sister and husband while my mom watched the kids. Clearly, the results were positive or this entry would not exist. Interestingly, the results for the lump in my breast were something called DCIS, which is not actually cancer but pre-cancerous. The results for my lymph node were positive for breast cancer. I learned that what this means isn't that there wasn't any cancer, but rather the large mass wasn't 100% cancer all through, and the biopsy had not gotten the part with cancer. However, I learned that there is no way there would be cancer in the lymph nodes if there is no cancer in the breast. I also was quite clear that it was an aggressive, fast moving cancer that had already spread, and I knew I wouldn't know how far it had spread until I got a PET scan. When we learned the news we were in a room with the doctor who had done the biopsy and a nurse. My sister (who is getting her MS in Health Ed. and had been doing research after banning me from going on the internet) asked a whole bunch of questions, and my husband and I just sat there (I have no clue what he was thinking... maybe I should ask). The nurse told me she would not be able to schedule me for anything with the surgeon until Tuesday because it was a 3-day weekend. My mom told Jason and me to go out together for dinner, and we did. Not quite the most romantic atmosphere ever for a Valentine's Day date, but we did enjoy some sushi and some time together. This was officially the beginning of the most trying and difficult week of my life. Not because of anything that happened over the next week, but rather the not knowing - not knowing how far it had spread, not knowing if it would kill me, not knowing what this new journey I was on was going to look like. I was walking around for the next week feeling like a ticking timb-bomb.
And that's it for Part I.
Part II will be meeting the doctors who would save my life, getting ready for and starting treatment, all the way up to now. And I promise it will be more upbeat!!!
Thank for reading and following!
XOXO
WOW!!!, will be following this closely!!
ReplyDeletethanks! :-)
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