Chemo #5 - Owning Anxiety

Hello my friends! Here I am posting about chemo #5 an entire week later, when usually I post about my chemo on the day of.

It's been a rough week.  It was a rough chemo.

The roughest since that first one.  My mom and I think it may be because I didn't hydrate as much as I normally do with my usual broth.  My oncologist thinks it's related to the anxiety I've been feeling about my upcoming surgery.  It's likely a combination of the two, plus a bunch of other factors I have no clue about. Either way, the broth and the anxiety are two things I'm taking on between now and my next (and last!) chemo.  The broth is easy - it's super easy to make and will take all of 10 minutes of active prep-time.  The anxiety, however...

I've never had to deal with anxiety.  Don't get me wrong - I've been anxious!  Going back to work when my son was seven weeks old, starting a job at a new school, dealing with money and legal issues, when my dad died... I know what it means to feel anxious, even a bit depressed.  No claim of a perfect life over here!  I've just never been in a situation where,  for a prolonged length of time, I'm living in circumstances that are not of my choosing and from which I cannot walk away, and the journey forward is one that's got some monumental changes coming, also that are not of my choosing.  And then there's the added mental confusion of the fact that I *am* choosing my course of action - I have the right and power to refuse chemo and the surgeries and radiation.  I just like the alternative (painful death from cancer) a lot less.  So.... add those two together and you've got where I am right now.  This is no "chocolate/vanilla" choice. This is the distinction of choosing, the learning to dance in the rain rather than waiting for the storm to pass - in full living color. And it's uncomfortable. And that was my understatement of the century.

When I'm uncomfortable (not physically, rather in terms of my mental/emotional state), I know that it's me growing. I've learned that when I'm uncomfortable I can either hibernate and stay stagnant and uncomfortable, or I can take a few leaps that are even more uncomfortable to grow a little more, kind of like ripping off a bandaid.  So that's what I've begun to do. I took some actions that are aligned with my decreasing my anxiety, and so far they seem to be working.

The first thing I did was reach out to women who have been in my position before. Yeah, about time, right? I was afraid of hearing horror stories and set backs and recurrences of cancer and about people who died... I didn't want to hear about anything that could influence my having a positive outlook and make me more scared than I already was. I bit that bullet, and got into action. I had spoken with a few women previously, but no one who had been in my circumstances. The group Sharsharet, a breast cancer support service group that is predominantly Jewish women (although they work with everyone!), hooked me up with a link - a woman who was in the same circumstances as me but several years out and cancer free. And it was crazy - this woman had the same form of cancer (HER2+), same stage (3), same treatments for the same amount of time, had the same surgeries that I'm getting, and when she was diagnosed her two kids were the same ages as mine are! When we spoke, we realized how much more we have in common - even pre-surgery bra size and body image. Speaking with her was empowering. I'm glad I made that call.

I also went into Victoria's Secret and checked out bras in what will be my new size.  That may sound silly, but having lived my life as a D, the prospect of being a B (which is what I will have to be because they are using the fat from my stomach to create the new breasts and that's about how much fat I have, even if I gain weight.) is something new for me. I realized I don't even know what a B looks like. I spoke with the clerk and explained the situation, and she was great. She showed me the mannequin, and told me that was a B. So I have a good idea of what I will look like, at least in clothes. And it ain't so bad. It seems clothing will fit me better, as clothing is designed for women with a B chest. Who knew?  Anxiety about how I will look is a bit decreased, although I have to admit I'm still petrified of scarring.  And that's normal, it seems. Of course it is.  If it was anyone else it would be completely normal - but since it's me... well, I just have to be perfect now don't I? No anxiety allowed for me!

Which of course is ridiculous. Which is why I really really really bit the bullet and called my oncologist and asked for medication for the anxiety.

Do you hear that?

That's the shocked, judgmental, "you are a failure and I don't even have words for you" silence that I'm projecting you are giving me because it's a bit of how I feel about it for myself.  And I know it's ridiculous. And my brain is making that up anyway. That's more of that uncomfortable stuff I was talking about above - to move through it and have some uncomfortable growing pains and be strong and empowered when it's over.

So that's what's been going on for me over the last week or so. I'm getting closer - only one chemo left, and less than a month until my bilateral mastectomy. And I want it to come fast and get it over with, and I want to slow time down and have it never come,  and either way, it's going to come and go, and in the end it's empty and meaningless and it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless. Going to take today and take my meds and love my husband and my kids and my mom and my sister and praise God for all that I have.

Thanks for reading,
XOXO